Staying in bed - the answer to all our ills

We're all too fat, apparently. "Doctors" (which doctors exactly?) now want to put a tax on fizzy drinks to save our kids' waistlines. This is on top of the existing swingeing taxes on tobacco and booze, not to mention moves for a minimum price for alcohol, all justified on health grounds. Of course it's quite handy that all these things raise money for the treasury to waste on government spending. Perhaps the government pays these so-called "doctors" to come up with these ideas and scare us into submission and paying ever higher taxes.

 

But there's a better solution. You may remember John and Yoko back in the late 1960s spending an inordinate amount of time in bed, even holding press conferences from their cosy divan. Well the time has come to say they were right, although not necessarily for the right reasons: we'd all be much better off if we stayed longer in bed.

 

Just think about it: when you're in bed, you don't spend money, you don't drink, don't eat, don't smoke (I am aware that there are people who may do some or all of these things in bed, especially now you can spend money by buying stuff on-line from your ipad, but this sort of behaviour is beyond the pale so I am leaving you to your fate.) The consequences are all good: you have more money and are much healthier. Yes I know about bed sores but I'm not proposing you lie around under the duvet 24/7 - have a bit of common sense now.

 

I first developed this theory when, as an impoverished student, I found I was able to spend prodigious amounts of time under the covers and quickly noticed the benefits. The most immediate of these was on the wallet thanks to the financial benefits of not eating/smoking/drinking; the health benefits were not so immediate and not so much of a concern. Now one is somewhat older, one is perhaps more concerned about the health factors rather than those of a financial nature but it doesn't matter, the prescription is the same.

 

You will have realised that this bed policy has much wider benefits for society. People don't commit acts of robbery or violence when in bed (I am ignoring stuff of a "50 Shades of Grey" nature here - what were you thinking of?) It is also less likely that politicians will spend our money or start wars from a prone position, especially if they're asleep and being comatose whilst under the duvet only serves to heighten the benefits and is therefore to be recommended.

 

So there you have it folks, stay in bed, live longer and be wealthier. Must go now as I am yawning a bit and doing this blogging lark is using electricity and costing me money. The lure of the bed is calling me back.

Storms in teacups - the news we deserve

It's quiz time folks. What do the following have in common:

 

1. Horse meat masquerading as beef

2. Chris Huhne

3. Phone hacking 

 

The answer is that they all occupy far more of the nation's column inches and screen minutes than they deserve to. With a bit of luck by the time I've finished writing this, I may have worked out why, but I'm not promising.

 

Take the horse meat business. When you buy some processed concoction, you really don't know what you're eating: the list of indredients is dauntingly long and largely incomprehensible. Also, the meat content percentage is going to be pretty damn low, so if a bit of horse has cantered into the box, it's only going to be a very small amount. And crucially, what's wrong with eating a bit of horse? Findus should have kept all their lasagne on the shelves and simply re-labelled it as horse lasagne: watch the sales gallop away!

 

The horse: a butcher's guide

 

Then there's poor old Chris Huhne. A ruined man, and for what? He didn't hurt anyone, he didn't steal from anyone, he was just unlucky enough to be caught by one of those infernal speed cameras. OK, and he told a few fibs. We've all been there with the speed camera business. Not only that, I expect many of us know someone who's persuaded A.N.Other to take the rap for them. Alternatively, if Mr Huhne had been driving a foreign-registered car, he'd have got away with it completely. But now, as an indirect consequence of this minor indiscretion, he's facing jail and a lifetime as an answer to a quiz question.

 

Finally, phone hacking. Readers may remember I've already offered my phone for hacking at a fraction of the price paid out by News International to various celebs. Does anyone really care what messages may be on Hugh Grant's phone? ("Hi Hugh it's me: did you remember to put the bins out and feed the fish?") It really is of so little consequence as to be laughable but despite this, we have God knows how many police hours being wasted on this telephonic twaddle and you and I are paying for it.

 

Do the police have nothing better to do? Of course they do but messing around with mobiles is so much more pleasant than preventing teenage chavs from making poeple's lives a misery, etc., etc. And do the newspapers and TV companies have nothing more important to report? There's appalling wars going on around the world, most of the developed countries are bankrupt and the undevleoped ones are still starving but never mind, let's devote our first seven pages to "horsegate".

 

So what do these three news stories have in common then? The answer is that the news customers, that's us folks, want to hear about them. And why is that then? Because they make us feel better. The horsemeat thing is a good laugh and makes for many excellent jokes; everyone likes to see a politician get his comeuppance and these days there is an insatiable demand for any tittle-tattle relating to anyone who can vaguely lay claim to being called a celebrity.

 

Britain's debt continues to rise inexorably; Africa is riddled with killings and poverty; it's a race for armageddon between North Korea and Iran. Scary stuff - who wants to read about that? Whack another lump of Shergar in the microwave!

 

First Gary Mabbutt's Knee now Gareth Bale's Left Foot

In 1987, Spurs played Coventry City in the FA Cup final. Spurs were clear favourites but Coventry triumphed thanks to a late and freakish goal. Coventry had a free kick, about 25 yards out I recall. The ball was blasted towards the Spurs defencive wall, struck Spurs' captain Gary Mabbutt on the leg and flew up in the air, looping over the head of Spurs' helpless goalie and into the net. A terrible way to lose an FA Cup final but if you're on the winning side well hey, they all count.

On me knee son! Gary Mabbutt displays his famous patella

 

Now, Coventry had never won anything before (older readers may remember the Monty Python spoof quiz show featuring - bizarrely - famous communist leaders from history: "When did Coventry City first win the FA cup? That's a trick question: Coventry have never won the FA Cup.") and I don't think they've won anything since. So their only trophy win is all thanks to Gary Mabbutt's knee. Consequently, this lump of flesh and bone has acquired mythical status amongst Coventry supporters to the extent that there is a Coventry City fanzine/web-site called GMK (it's true: Google it).

 

How long before there's a Spurs equivalent called GBLF? I speak of course of Gareth Bale's Left Foot. Last night, the Welsh wizard's magical appendage twice plopped the ball beyond the reach of Lyon's diving goalie from free kicks...plus he did the same thing the other day against Newcastle. So that's three free kicks and three goals in the last two matches. Even David Beckham in his prime could not match this.

 

The consequences are clear. For Tottenham, it's pay the lad anything he wants; tell the rest of the team to pass the ball to Bale at every opportunity; when he's not on the pitch, keep Bale in pampered and secure surroundings at all times and don't let him do anything which might cause damage to GBLF.  

 

For opponents, it's stamp on the bastard ASAP!