Tulsa Time

Fixed term elections: how about fixed term lives?

Here in the UK, a general election is looming. But then that's not news: it's been looming for nearly five years, since the last one. The date of May 7th has been known for ages and, given that all most politicians care about is being re-elected, their minds have been firmly focused for some time. In fact, so firmly focused  that the government long ago gave up any pretense of doing anything useful and concentrated solely on saving their jobs. At our expense, of course.

In the (not so) old days, the timing of a general election (although in theory up to the monarch) was at the whim of the party in power but under pressure from coalition "partners" the Lib Dems, the Conservatives agreed to this fixed term business. OK, so the government no longer has the element of surprise in its electoral arsenal but the law of unintended consequences  has kicked in and produced this so-called zombie government. But it occurred to me that this fixed term principle may be a good idea in other contexts; like fixing the end of your life.

Now this may sound a bit morbid to say the least but do open your mind to the advantages, which are many. Anyone who's got to that age where you need to start thinking about pensions and the like will know that the key variable which makes these decisions so tricky, is the date of your death. If you knew in advance when you were going to snuff it, the whole business of financial planing in one's later years would be so much easier.

Then there's this "bucket list" business. Many of us may want to go round the world, climb Everest, discover lost tribes in the Amazonian rain forest, etc., etc. but the problem is, when? Just how long does one have to cram in these things? If they're potentially life-threatening, you wouldn't want to do them too soon but if you knew your time was up the week after next, well a spot of wing-walking doesn't seem like such a bad idea. And this fits with the money angle too; bucket list stuff can be expensive - what a disaster if you blow all your savings now and then find you've got another thirty years to struggle by in poverty. There's no doubt about it - a fixed date of death would be a real boon to the grey haired adventurer and financial planner alike.

And what about the benefits to society as a whole? We're all living too long, so we're told. This puts a terrible strain on the health service and care homes. It ties up housing, which means higher housing prices for the youngsters and leads to the need to build more housing, which means less countryside, and so on and on. If we're all given a fixed termination date (kind of like having a leasehold life), many of these problems would fade away. Of course if you die before your given date, that's no problem and perhaps your descendants could enjoy some kind of government handout by way of thanks.

So there you have it; my radical proposal for solving almost all the problems in the developed world. Which political party will be the first to adopt it? And how about a slogan: "live today, die tomorrow - and we mean tomorrow." 

Glastonbury - how we survived

By not camping, is the short answer. We are of a certain age you know and although we have done this camping lark (see Cropredy posts), we've never been too keen. So, having actually managed to get Glastonbury tickets, which is no mean achievement, we weighed various accommodation options before deciding to stay at a pub just a few miles up the road.

 

 

A small part of the site: your tent not marked with a cross

 

The pub owners not being stupid, this cost a fortune as the room rate was roughly double what it would be at any other time of year but it was worth it, especially as there was an hourly bus service to the festival site from right outside the pub. Luxury!

Now the thing about Glastonbury, as anyone who's been there will tell you, is the size of the thing: it is HUGE. We've done a number of festivals (again, see Marshside posts passim) but Glasto is simply on another scale. When I was doing my pre-festival planning, I studied the site map which, helpfully but somewhat depressingly, had a scale on it. I couldn't bring myself to actually get the ruler out and check but it looked like the site was about 3 miles across. This estimation was corroborated by Lauren Laverne on the telly saying that the perimeter fence was about 9 miles long...if you remember your old maths, you will know that a site diameter of about 3 miles would be consistent with this. More corroboration came from our legs on the Thursday when we drove in. Having had to park in a car park so far from the main stage that we were probably in another county, we were knackered by the end of the day.

 

 

There's a lot of weird stuff going on at Glastonbury

 

 

In fact this is one of the key themes of Glasto; it's kind of half music event and half army style route march. That's not to mention the third half (yes, OK) which is the non-music side of the do. Never mind the distant car parks, the number of stages spread far and wide and that sheer massive size, means you do a lot of walking. And when I say a lot, I mean THIS MUCH. Clearly, the reason that so many of the youngsters seek to get off their heads on booze and dope is not to achieve mind altering euphoria but to dull the pain in their legs. As for the older ones, well there were a good many camping chairs around the place.

As well as the size of the place and the need to trudge from stage to stage there is of course one other factor that I have avoided until now: the mud. My God was it muddy. It had been raining on and off since we arrived but then early Friday evening - bang! The heavens opened, accompanied by much crashing and flashing and for about 40 minutes it absolutely poured. That's OK until abut 300,000 feet start pounding through the fields and then the place rapidly comes to resemble the Somme. Have you tried walking long distances in heavy mud? Terminally exhausting is an understatement.

 

 

That's real Glastonbury mud you know.

 

  

The good news was, we were in the acoustic tent at the time of the thunderstorm so didn't get a soaking (at least not at that particular juncture) but the bad news was that the Fishermen's Friends were only about 3 songs into their set when all the power was turned off, everywhere. This was some sort of health and safety overkill to do with the lightning.They wouldn't have done that a few years ago, said Mr Glastonbury, Michael Eavis.

OK you ask, so apart from the mud, the rain, the long distances and the cost what other dismal experiences did you have and can you confirm you're never going back? Well folks, of course the answer is that we will be back and all in all, we had a great time. Yes it would have been much better without the rain but even so, Glastonbury is such an extraordinary event that it rises above this minor nuisance.

 

 

 

Somewhere in the far distance, that might be Dolly Parton

 

 

There are literally hundreds of bands so if you don't like the headliners (and we didn't) there's always going to be other acts you want to see. Of course unfortunately, unless you're blessed with omnipresence, there are going to be dozens of people you're going to miss. As someone else said, the festival would have to last about a year for you to actually sample all it has to offer.

Then you've got the all the kids stuff, the circus tent, the cabaret tent, the healing fields, the giant spider show in Arcadia, poetry, comedy tent, the stone circle, arts and crafts, about a zillion shops and food places and, if your legs haven't completely given out come sundown, a vast mass of late night entertainments that go on until dawn. Get those prescription drugs down you so you can boogie all night and then see the sun rise over the fields.

 

 

The giant spider. Altogether now: wow!

 

Actually, this last suggestion may be something of a necessity because you probably can't find your tent anyway. I don't know how anyone does, which is another reason for not camping. There are just acres and acres of tents all crammed together randomly (not in neat rows like at Cropredy!) and they all look much the same, especially at night. This is not to mention that if you came by car, your car will probably be miles from your tent so if you need to go back and forth a few times, well that'll take care of your first day.

 

 

The sun shines down on the Park stage. Smell that drying mud. Lovely.

 

My son assures me that people do find their own tent (and he's camped there twice) but this is a skill that I am in awe of. One tent had the legend "your girlfriend slept here last night" printed on it. I don't think this was supposed to be witty but just a statement of fact; she probably just gave up looking for her own tent and passed out in the first one that looked empty. 

 

Speaking of wise words, I must mention my favourite flag which was a simple black on orange one saying "Play the fucking Bends!" It's something of a Radiohead fan in joke but it still makes me chuckle, especially as Radiohead weren't even playing, But of course, as the man with the flag probably would have said, when it comes to Radiohead and Glastonbury, you just never know and it's best to be prepared.

 

 

The inaugural winner of the Marshside Blog "best flag at Glastonbury" award

 

So, the highlights? Well Robert Plant was superb, with several Led Zep covers, interestingly done, along with his recent solo stuff. Elbow were as sublime as ever. Jake Bugg, who we saw doing his solo set in the acoustic tent, is a precocious talent but hot on his heels comes young George Ezra. He drew a simply vast crowd to the John Peel tent which nearly caused major crushing when we all left at the same time and, given the location of the John Peel tent, in much the same direction. We also saw and enjoyed Goldfrapp, Warpaint, Midlake, the Manic Street Preachers, the Pixies, Lau, Massive Attack, St Vincent, James Blake, the Kaiser Chiefs and and and....Dolly Parton, a very slick entertainer with a hot band, she attracted about 90% of the total festival crowd I reckon. We stood about a mile back.

 

 

Robert Plant: Stairway to Heaven temporarily closed due to thunderstorm

 

 

But the surprise stars for us were a band called the Stepkids. I'd never heard of them but they were great...only a 3 piece but crikey they could play and sing, with a funky jazz/rock style, heavy with hints of Steely Dan and Earth Wind and Fire, among others. Oh, and they had a great line in cheesy dance moves.  Do not miss them if you have the chance.

 

 

The Stepkids. Nice shirts boys!

 

 

The food and drink is good and not at all badly priced; 6 Music Festival take note...if Glastonbury can serve me real ale straight from the barrel at £4 a pint then so can you!

 

Apart from all the above, what makes Glastonbury special is its duration. Although in theory the festival is just 3 days, Friday to Sunday, the gates open on Wednesday. This means that you can be there for the best part of 6 days so for almost a week you can be on another planet, blissfully untroubled by the usual grisly world events. Everything is different so if it's true that a change is as good as a rest, you will come home very well rested, despite having walked 50 miles.

 

If they could just do something about the rain, it would be almost perfect.

 

 

Er...you don't suppose that might be rain coming? At Glastonbury...?

 

6 Music Festival review - a new personal record?

We're big fans of BBC Radio 6 Music here at Marshside Acres, where the station's unique blend of quality rock and pop, ancient and modern, blasts continuously from the kitchen radio. So it was hard to resist the suggestion from the lady of the house that we troll up to Manchester to check out this festival thing. You had to be on the ball as the tickets sold out in (appropriately) 6 minutes but we secured a pair for the Friday and, me having done a deal to include a day or two in the Peak District, got ourselves organised. 

 

The first bit of good news was that I managed to get a room in the Premier Inn almost literally a stone's throw from the venue but after that there was some less good news.

 

Now I hate to puncture the huge inflated balloon of self-love that has been hovering over 6 Music since the weekend, with the playlist heavily interspersed with live recordings from the do but...once inside the environs of the Victoria Warehouse, we were approached by programme sellers asking a staggering £8 for a running-order-on-a-lanyard thing, which you often get at these events. I was having none of this sort of rip off so laid about them with boot and fist. There was blood and teeth everywhere as we strode purposefully into the warehouse, looking for a simple bit of paper which would tell us who was playing where (there were two rooms) and when. Imagine my disgust to find no such thing existed. The security staff had them, oh yes, but they weren't going to risk damaging their £8 a throw sales by sharing this info with the humble paying punter.

 

Anger now simmering gently, we headed for the bar. Now I'm not completely naive; I've been to more gigs and festivals than many in the poorer parts of the world have had hot dinners and I know there's an unwritten law which says the bars at these places are going to charge well over the odds. Like many laws, it's a very bad one and like many other events, this one supported its usury by banning the possession of food and drink from the outside world. But get this: the price of the Stella Artois was £4.40 for a 33 cl bottle. Reader, let me save you the trouble and do the maths for you; are you sitting down? This works out to £7.54 a pint!!! Yes!! Really!! Bloody hell!!!

 

 

Tom Robinson delivers public health warning re beer prices. No one hears him over the din of chatter

 

The Heineken was a tad cheaper but only a tad. I've been to Wimbledon, Lords, various other sports grounds, almost any music venue you can name, many fairly swanky hotels around the world, not to mention of course hundreds of pubs but, here in a grimy warehouse, in a grimy part of industrial Manchester, not refrigerated, served in plastic bottles with plastic glasses, was the most expensive beer I've ever drunk.

 

What is the justification for this "think of a number and double it" pricing strategy? None at all of course, other than if people are going to be trapped in your premises for 7 hours or so with no other supply available, they have to either drink or expire so you can charge what you like. Handily placed cash machines were at the venue for those whose budgets had not factored in these from-another-galaxy prices. Still, look on the bright side; I might have been driving and restricting myself to water which was an even more staggering £2.50 for a small bottle. Trebles all round!

 

And just remember, this event is being organised by the BBC, already paid for by our licence fees not to mention the entry tickets (normally free for BBC shows aren't they? Not this one). Just remember, the reason why you pay so much more for a drink in the pub than from the supermarket is the pub's very considerable overheads. But at a do like this, the overheads are pretty close to zero, save for the hapless students behind the bar on minimum wage. The profit margins must be wonderful and I am hoping that our share of these will be refunded via some clever licence fee rebate. OK, you're right, I'd better not hold my breath...

 

Right, so once over this latest shock, things must improve, no? Well no and yes. As well as the two concert rooms, there was a "silent" disco, one of these things where you dance around wearing a pair of  headphones. Now, I thought that the meaning of the word "silent" was about as clear as it's possible for it to be. Not in these parts apparently and the blaring racket blasted its way very easily though only a curtain separating it from the smaller of the two rooms. Incredible. And it's not just me; we were watching, and trying to listen to, Jimi Goodwin (the main man from Doves) and even he commented from the stage that he thought the disco was supposed to be "silent".

 

 

Midlake. Acoustic guitars no match for the "silent" disco and dodgy acoustics

 

 

The main room didn't suffer from the proximity of the not-at-all-silent disco but it did suffer from bad acoustics (hey, the place was a warehouse) and perhaps worse, the constant yapping of thousands of people seemingly happy (and rich enough) to get drunk and not bother listening to the band (actually maybe they were not drunk but stoned; perhaps because no drugs were on sale by the organisers, there seemed to be nothing to stop you bringing in your own). This was at its worst during Damon Albarn's set, pretty surprising seeing as he was headlining. But the trouble was that Mr A played all of his new, and rather quiet, solo album and nothing that anyone knew. Cue increased volume of chatter. Listening to Marc Riley's programme on 6 Music last night, I heard him say that he was looking forward to hearing the live recording of Damon's set as he couldn't hear it well from where he was standing at the gig. You were very much not alone Marc! 

 

Anyway, one way and another, we had a pretty good time, despite all the stuff above. Midlake were especially good, as were Haim and a couple of the less well known acts like Weird Shapes.

 

But BBC, next time, please let us have some more punter-friendly prices and if you're not going to let us bring in our own beer, then please search everyone thoroughly for dope and pills so we can at least hear some of what's going on.

Flooded? Better call Saul!

Hi there folks - Saul Goodman, attorney at law, here. I know some of you have been dealt a rough hand by the recent weather in parts of the UK. As you try and salvage the pitiful remains of your possessions, tears adding to the flood waters as they splash onto that new TV you got for Christmas, or that photo of your late Auntie Hilda, you may be despairing at any chances of recompense. I'm here to tell you that you couldn't be more wrong.

 

OK, so you forgot to renew your insurance - that's assuming you can get any for a house on a flood plain but that's no reason you can't get your hands on the folding stuff. Hey, the reverse is the case; insurers always find a way to weasel out of paying up don't they? It's much harder to dodge your obligations when you've got the weight of the legal system bearing down on you.

 

 

 

 

Here in the US of A, we've had temperatures so low it gave another meaning to frozen assets, even down here in the Land of Enchantment (that's the state of New Mexico to you good people). But I'm happy to tell you I got my clients a bundle of $$$$$. How come Saul? I hear you ask. Well the possibilities are endless: you've got the negligent weather forecasters, and they're usually backed by those deep-pocketed TV stations; did your automobile vendor give you proper warning of snow hazards? How about the stores that failed to stock up properly on shovels, salt, grit, de-icer, sledges, to say nothing of their lack of sufficient canned food. Perhaps you have a young child? This lack of proper winter food might have led to malnutrition and consequent long-term bone and even brain damage. That's a mighty big claim there friends - but the likes of Walmart have a pile of cash and don't you think they'd rather part with a bit of this rather than having their good name mauled in the law courts? You're damn right they would.

 

So let me  give you the benefit of my experience. You may think floods are an act of God and you can't sue the Big Man, right? Wrong. The Lord has his representatives on earth and there's banks in Rome that are used to paying out to cleanse these people's consciences. Know what I'm saying?

 

So do yourself a favour. Put down that bucket for five minutes; strip off your waders and tie up that dinghy for just long enough to make that phone call which'll dry you out in no time, to say nothing of providing for that college education little Wayne never thought he'd get. Call me now!

 

Up to your waist in the watery brown stuff? Better call Saul!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Interactive white board economics - an update

Keen readers will remember my exciting new economic forecasting tool based on the spread of interactive white boards in schools. Other items of dodgy gadgetry apply. Well I thought you'd be interested to hear that the school I mentioned as having dished out ipads to all its "students" (why is it never "pupils" any more?) had surpassed itself. GCSE results have collapsed (and they weren't great in the first place) and on this basis, it is apparently now the 43rd worst school in the whole country. Yes you read right - that's country not county.

 

I expect their response will be to spend more of our money on some new technological initiative...smart phones for all, perhaps.

 

After all, this level of failure doesn't come cheap. Did I mention that this school enjoys brand new buildings? And then there's the staffing. When you drive past, you're struck by the size of the car park and the number of cars. Clearly these don't belong to the kids, virtually none of whom are old enough to drive, so they must have staffing levels undreamed of when I was a lad. Not only that, but the car park is illuminated after dark (and long after the school's closed) and so is the flashy neon school name sign and logo thing.  Now our school had no lights in what passed for a car park and no neon sign. Why is it that schools nowadays need these things, and countless admin staff and how come we can afford this when the country is broke?

 

And why do we reward failure like this?

 

Damned if I know but much more of this and I can see another impending economic disaster on the horizon. Alert the Treasury!

Breaking Bad - Better call Saul! US TV can be very good

The flight to India is quite a long one. While waiting to attract the attention of a stewardess to get another free beer, we watched some stuff on these natty in-flight personal entertainment things you get nowadays.

 

I'd heard of the TV series Breaking Bad but had never seen it as it wasn't shown on a normal UK TV channel. I think actually it was in my mind as the final episode was not long before we went to India. But anyway, they had the first series on the plane. We were gripped. We don't normally go in for this box set business but Christmas was coming, and so...

 

There are in fact 5 series of Breaking Bad and since Christmas we have spent much of our free time ploughing through all 60 or so episodes. We've got 2 to go so for God's sake don't tell me how it ends!

 

One of our favourite characters in the show is dodgy lawyer Saul Goodman (not his real name but he thought people liked their lawyers to have Jewish names). It seems we're not the only ones to be Saul fans as the company who made Breaking Bad are to give Saul his own show, by way of a BB prequel. It should be great, even if you've never seen BB.

 

 

 

To get a flavour of this, Saul has his own web-site..the link is below. If like me, you think there is no better target for satire than lawyers then check it out...hilarious!

 

Remember: don't drink and drive but if you do, call Saul...

 

And if this makes you want to check out Breaking Bad, it'll be money well spent.

 

DUI? Dealing Drugs? Better Call Saul!

 

 

What we did on our holidays - part III

Despite the pressures of never-ending building works, we found time in early December to jet off to India. Yes India! What a place. I tell you, if you go to India you really know you're abroad; no Irish pubs, English newspapers, Starbucks, western chain shops, etc, etc. And not much in the way of western toilets either. Yep, India is definitely foreign. (Although we did come across a MacDonald's and a KFC but I am trying to  forget those cultural aberrations.)

 

Toilets are a big selling point in India

 

We did one of these escorted tour things, a first for us. I heartily recommend them. We were only there about 10 days but we packed in an enormous amount; as well as the usual stuff like the Taj Mahal, we went on a real Indian train (two WCs: one marked "Indian" the other "Western" - apartheid lives! Why not just make them both Western? Plus we learned that a 50p bribe will get you round the smoking restrictions); we rode a rickshaw round Delhi; we saw a tiger in the wild; we drank Kingfisher beer made in India and not, as all UK Kingfisher is, at the Shepherd Neame brewery in decidedly non-Indian Faversham. 

 

Not all Indian wiring would comply with UK building regulations

 

 

 

 

Tiger alert! Yes a real one! Not in a zoo!

 

We were a party of 34 among whom were a couple who recognised us as habitues of a pub not far from here: small world or what? We had an English (well Italian actually) guide to organise us plus a local guide to smooth out the dealings with the locals and to keep up a running commentary as our coach trundled along through the extraordinary Indian traffic. This included driving (deliberately) the wrong way up a dual carriageway for a stretch. As our guide said, in England we have traffic rules which don't really work; in India no one pays a blind bit of notice to traffic rules but somehow it seems to work - we never once saw an accident.

 

 

Some building or other shortly after dawn...sleep deprivation not pictured

 

Yes most Indians are very poor. But they are amazingly happy; they smiled and waved at us as we went by and they rushed to take our picture and have themselves photographed with us. We never felt threatened and while I'm sure that theft is not unknown, I never felt I was a likely victim. Given the wealth disparity between the average Indian and the average tourist, this is amazing.

 

So what did we learn? Among other things, the following:

 

• There are more than 300 million Hindu gods, including an Enfield motorbike.
• Nearly all Indian marriages are arranged but the divorce rate is tiny.
• It's hard to get a beer in India, they're not big drinkers. And although prices generally are, to us, very low, a beer in a top hotel can cost a fortune.

 

One reason why getting a beer can be a struggle?

• The most popular roadside snack seems to be not samosas or puris but peanuts in their shells.
• It's true: Indian food in the UK is generally better than Indian food in India
• If visiting India, do not even think of hiring a car.

 

 

Pimp my ride, India style

 

 

• Few Indians speak English and even fewer can read and write it but despite this, the driving test is in English. This is one reason why driving licences tend not to be acquired by what we would think of as conventional means.

 

 

What do you mean it only seats 4?

• MacDonald's in India have a special menu featuring spicy vegetarian burgers.

 

What's "go large!" in Hindi?

• Most Indians are vegetarian and it's best to adopt a "when in Rome..." policy when dining out.
• The local hawkers are persistence personified. But do buy something - the stuff is cheap and even cheaper when you haggle.
• Someone from a lower caste will not sit at the same level when with someone from a higher caste, even if invited to do so.
• It's the man who wears the trousers in Indian families. Most of them seem to sit around all day while the women work, even doing road repairs.

 

We learned a ton of other stuff but that'll do. I urge you to visit and see for yourself. Bring me back some more poppadoms as our stock is now running low...not to mention the duty free smokes which are so cheap they're almost free...

 

 

Some of the hotels are not at all bad. This beats a Travelodge

 

Economic boom - latest

Hi folks. I apologise for recent blog silence. Really there is no excuse but we were preoccupied for some time by our building works, which rapidly precipitated more works as we needed to tart up the room used as a music room and now largely emptied thanks to completion of new music room over the garage.

 

This second chunk of works entailed organising a plumber (to remove the old radiator then come back when all was finished to install new radiator); an electrician to sort out the electrical mess in the room; a plasterer to replaster the whole thing (which was especially important as the walls are kind of wattle and daub and were somewhat dodgy in places); a builder, to put an air brick in a blocked up chimney breast,  plus us two to strip off the woodchip wallpaper and to redecorate and also to put new ironmongery on the windows. This sounds easy but extracting those old screws was anything but, plus of course the new latches were not quite the right size, so...more work.

 

All this lot, which probably amounts to no more than a week's work in total, took around two months to complete. Why is it so hard to find someone who can come in for a week and do the whole thing? Not that we even tried as, luckily, we know a good plasterer, electrician, etc., etc. But once again I am made aware that there is plenty of work around for tradesmen.

 

Oh, and as well as the new building, we then had to replace some dilapidated fencing and get part of the many miles of paths which snake throughout Marshside Acres relaid.

 

Anyway, I now can sit and blog to you in refurbished luxury, toes warming on the shiny new radiator (well not at the moment - have you seen the price of heating oil?) and while so doing, I can gaze out at the new garage featuring the Marshside Hit Factory on the first floor. I know you're now wondering what exactly in the way of "hits" has emanated from this soon-to-be-legendary recording venue. Well if I can figure out the technology, I may well try and post something; watch (or rather listen to) this space... 

 

In the meantime, here's a photo of the new building, to compare with the previous one of cement and mud...

 

More blogging anon!

 

 

The Marshside Hit Factory. (Hits not pictured.)

Why do we invent laws?

God knows we have enough laws, rules, regulations don't we? I'm talking about the UK by the way - other countries may be more blessed. Perhaps you do live in that Utopia where there are but two laws: (1) don't hurt anybody and (2) don't steal their stuff. If so, do please let me know where it is.

 

Parliament is constantly passing new laws. If I could be bothered, I'd look up the figures for new laws passed each year but really it's too depressing. And what makes it even worse is that it's often not even parliament that's doing the legislating, at least not directly. What tends to happen is that a bit of "enabling" legislation is passed which then allows the government to enact dozens of subsidiary regulations at various points in the future without the tiresome need to have them actually approved by our glorious elected representatives. And worse again, they hardly ever repeal old laws so every year the towering mass of rules just gets bigger.

 

But despite this regulatory overkill that we find ourselves burdened with, we seem to love to invent non-existent laws. I can't be sure about this, but I reckon it's a peculiarly British hobby although I can't quite put my finger on the national trait that gives rise to it. Something to do with the orderly nature of our society, coupled with the general loss of autonomy (the "computer says no" generation) which makes us want to assert a position of power over others wherever possible. This latter facet of our character may be due precisely to this massive and recent rise in legislation as whenever there's a new law passed, that invariably means there's one more thing you can't do, hence your autonomy is chipped away and hence the need to invent a new power base for yourself.  So paradoxically, the more laws you have, the more people invent new ones, and vice versa.

 

Actually, when I say "power base" I'm making mountains out of molehills a little. The sort of fantasy laws I'm talking about are usually minor things but they just give the enforcer that little bit of a lift and make life just that little bit more annoying for the enforcee.

 

So what sort of things am I talking about then? Well this piece was partly inspired by a comment on another piece to the effect that people were fond of wrongly blaming "health and safety" for all sorts of mythical obligations. This is certainly true and the Health and Safety Executive actually have a "myth busters" page on their web-site I believe to combat this sort of thing. Well done them but unfortunately this category of invention is largely beyond their control. The problem here is the judges, and of course their best mates, the lawyers.

 

The judges are perhaps the best example of those who seek to over-assert themselves in the face of legislative wing-clipping. The more that the government says that there's no truth in such and such a rumour that you must do X or face the slammer, the more likely are the judges to award damages because someone tripped over a paving stone or ruined a blouse after spilling curry on it (the menu omitted to say "warning: some of this food may leave irremovable stains"). We used to have a good chuckle at how this sort of thing only happened in the USA (MacDonald's in hot coffee shock) but like most things American, we have imported it into the UK.

 

So thanks to our learned friends, insurance companies will put reams of stuff in the small print of their policies, compelling you to put warnings on your menus or coffee cups or whatever, failing which they will not pay out. Which could be very bad news indeed. This is what gives rise to the "got to do that, it's bloody health and safety" business, not the boys at the H&S Executive. Of course what people should really be saying is "got to do that, it's them bloody judges" but the effect's the same. 

 

But that's just one area. What else is there? Well I'm going to list a few things that pop into my head and will try and update in future posts. Do please add your own. In fact I feel a whole new web-site coming on! Let's hope someone's not got there first. Here goes:

 

1.  Tenancy agreements: I know a letting agency whose agreements provide for a witness signature but this is not required in the vast majority of cases. They know this but won't change it as they feel compelled to use a standard form provided by some trade association or other. Or perhaps they're just too lazy. Also, they think that landlords have to have insurance (they don't); that they have to provide copies of insurance documents to tenants (they don't) and that all electrical appliances have to be regularly tested (they don't).

 

2. I was once told by a work "colleague" that people were legally obliged to attend and pass some council-run course before they could drive a minibus. Not true. What makes it worse is that it's the nature of your licence which determines this but the person trying to boss me around didn't know this so could well have been sanctioning illegal minibus drivers.

 

3. Smoking in hotel rooms is illegal: not true. Hotel rooms are one place you can still smoke. Now, the hotel may impose its own smoking ban but that's a different matter - they shouldn't hide this behind those annoying "smoking in these premises is illegal" stickers they put up. Take a marker pen with you and write "not true" on them.

 

4. Pubs: one or two things here. "Kids under 18 can't drink alcohol". Not true. They can't legally be served alcohol but when you're 16 you can drink various alcoholic things with a meal. Also: "kids under 14 not allowed in pubs". Not true any more, although it used to be and some of us think it might be a good idea if it was again!

 

5. Smoking again: the smoking ban is an EU thing and applies across Europe. Not true. The rules vary from country to country. You can smoke in pubs in Belgium, under the very eyes of those swarming Eurocrats who hang out there. Maybe that's why.

 

6. You can't kill foxes: yes you can: they're a bloody nuisance. Just not with dogs.

 

7. All buildings which might be used by the public must have full disabled access, etc. Nope. The Disability Discrimination Act provides all sorts of get out clauses. We had premises used by the "public" for many years and we never did anything about disabled access nor, in fairness, did any council jobsworth ever tell us to.

 

Well that's enough to be going on with, more fantasy laws anon. In the meantime, I must get to work on that web-site and watch the £millions roll in...