I was on the point of offering you some serious pre-budget analysis when into my hands fell the real thing! Yes readers, my Treasury contacts have come up trumps and delivered unto me the most closely guarded documents since David Cameron's horse-riding log.
You'll be aware of the undue influence exerted by Lib Dem side of the coalition, those squealing youngsters who always seem to get the grown ups to give in to their every whim but despite this, you might be surprised at the extent to which the Tory boy par excellence Georgie Osbourne has capitulated. Brace yourselves for here are the main headlines:
Mansion tax: on the grounds that any home owner must have at least some spare cash, the definition of "mansion" now goes down to £150,000. Expect a "progressive" tax regime here that sees an average !0% of your home's value going in tax. Relief available for those able to demonstrate absolute penury.
Hosepipe ban: to last forever. Garden space in any case needed for windmills (see below).
Windmills: compulsory. Every home owner to be forced to erect one windmill for every 100 sq. ft. of living or garden space. Possibility of relief against mansion tax for those exceeding this minimum.
Solar panels: also compulsory. At least 90% of roof space to be covered by the end of the next tax year.
Guardian to be nationalised: loss-making drone-sheet to be bailed out with public funds. State-owned Guardian satellite TV channel to be launched.
Banks: to be abolished within the year. HSBC (now the "Hummus, Sandals and Beards Corporation") to be taken under ownership of Lib Dem party with automatic link between profits and party funds.
Banker bonus tax: to be levied at 100%. Consultation launched on how on earth to make up the shortfall after bank abolition.
Window tax: this long-lost and "much maligned" tax to be reinstated.
Euro to be adopted: pound therefore scrapped, ditto the Bank of England. In order to prop up the euro zone, holidays from now on must be taken only in Greece. But flights to Greece banned, for "green" reasons.
Travel: all other flights to be subject to 30% carbon tax. Petrol duty to be doubled. Complex system of reliefs to be set up related to the amount of walking you do.
Tax avoidance: to be punishable by death. Public consultation on exact meaning of "tax avoidance". Public sector workers to be exempt but anyone else earning over £50k a year to be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Finally, public consultation on giving Nick Clegg a "proper job" and how to start process of beatification for Vince Cable.
You read it here first!
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