We don't need no educashon - Part II

Do you think that education has been "dumbed down" a bit? Think that teachers seem to lack some of the basic skills that they used to have in your day? Or are you one of those who believes this is all nonsense and that stratospheric pass rates and multiple A grades are all down to that brave bunch of men and women who daily battle on the assault courses of the nation's schools? 

Well here's a great story that might help you decide. It seems that some bunny-boiling female was after revenge for caddish treatment (as she saw it) by some chap she'd been carrying on with. This chap did have a pregnant wife by the way, so you may think she was being more optimistic than usual but such is the tempestuous path of the ship called love when tossed on the stormy sea of emotion.

Anyway, she wasn't taking the end of this affair lying down. (Or could that be she wasn't taking the end of the lying down, lying down? Or perhaps she was going to stand up for herself when the lying down finished? Please yourselves.) No sir. She resorted to graffiti on his house and car. She also opted for the slightly unusual tactic of having catalogues and take-aways sent to their place. (This would get you nowhere with us: my other half loves catalogues - almost any catalogue - and we're both partial to the odd takeaway.)

But getting back to the spray-painting, here's the really good bit. With her anger aimed squarely at the bloke's missus, one of the pithy comments she daubed on the house of her former paramour read: "Fat **** get out, he don't love you." Fantastic! You couldn't make it up. It's all the better for having to guess what the missing 4 letter word was; play around with a few and see which fits best. Did she write "don't" automatically or, as she was about to write "doesn't", did she have a sudden pang of doubt as to the location of the apostrophe? Perhaps, fearful as to being targeted by the apostrophe police and pilloried by her local education department, she panicked and plumped for "don't"? I fear we will never know but I do wish the magistrate had asked her. Certainly, this appalling piece of prose should be considered an exacerbating factor when it comes to sentencing.

Despite the success of "Eats, shoots and leaves", there is no sign of respite in the battle for good grammar. I read tons of documents written by highly paid "professionals" which contain language to make you weep. I referred above to the apostrophe police; I don't think they exist but they should do. For my part, I long ago stopped worrying too much about apostrophes as it was playing havoc with my blood pressure and shortening my life expectancy. And I was getting through too many red pens.

I don't know what this woman taught but I do hope it wasn't English, although the whole thing would be even more deliciously ironic if she did. In the meantime, I hope this case may move us closer to tough punishments for crimes against the English language: this sort of thing is much more serious than bombarding someone with the odd chicken bhuna and an Argos catalogue.