Tax and morals: we're all spared!

Phew! If you've paid someone in cash, it looks like you have a respite from eternal damnation. Apparently, even big Dave Cameron has done it...so it must be OK.

What a lot of nonsense, eh? Of course what the poor bloke who made this latest "morally wrong" pronouncement was saying was not that it's wrong to pay someone in cash, but that it is wrong if you are knowingly conniving in tax evasion by so doing. Trouble is, we all live in a world of sound-bites and headlines and anything requiring any kind of cerebral effort is wasted on us, so the nuance of his statement has wafted away on the breeze and he is left, like a bloke who thought the party was fancy dress with a Nazi theme, looking silly and alone.

It's an increasingly common occurrence that people are misunderstood, not because they have failed to express themselves clearly but because we have failed to look beyond the headline. This isn't really a new phenomenon: Thomas Beckett became a martyr because of a small conversational misunderstanding. What's the answer to this? It's probably to not say anything of any subtlety at all - just go for the spin without the substance.

Which reminds me of the fabulous "2012" TV show which finished last night (if you missed them, get onto the iplayer or the DVD store now). The star is the wonderfully vacuous Siobhan from the PR firm. Although her conversation consists mainly of "totally", "cool" and "the thing with this is..." she actually saves the "Olympics Deliverance Team" from disaster repeatedly as hard-wired into her otherwise empty head is the notion that all that matters is the TV image and the headline. So using a chocolate-covered nut instead of an acorn, or computer-generated fireworks instead of real ones is fine as no one will know the difference. She's right, of course.

And speaking of the Olympics, it all kicks off today - quite literally in fact, with women's football. Now, you may find it odd that women's football exists at all and astounding that it's an Olympic sport but get with it guys...the thing with this is, it's totally about inclusivity and the legacy angle is, like, really cool...plus, it's chicks in shorts fighting each other...totally...

Festival time again!

Elbow's stage set. Pink Floyd eat your heart out!

Doesn't time fly? Already the 2012 festival season is in full swing with campers huddled in muddy fields all over the place. Our tent hasn't seen the light of day yet this year but we've dipped our toes in the festival waters and here's my observations so far...

A few weeks back we headed to Jodrell Bank, a few miles south of Manchester and site of the Lovell radio telescope. They first put on a bit of a musical do here last year, in the shadow of the Lovell and my what a shadow it casts. It is a bloody huge thing and makes for a spectacular setting. Day 1 of this year's event was headlined by local lads (well, Bury anyway) Elbow. The weather forecast was not great but the rain restrained itself to a bit of a drizzle until shortly after Elbow hit the stage and then...splosh. We got wet. So did Elbow. They had a set piece where they sang grouped round a keyboard set up on a catwalk running out into the crowd. "Electronic equipment and rain" observed Elbow front man Guy Garvey "what could possibly go wrong?" Luckily there were no fatalities.

But the rain kept coming. Just prior to the encores, we made our excuses and left, fearing a waterlogged car park and a delay of several hours to get out. We were either clever or lucky as (a) we found the car right away, a feat in itself and (b) drove straight out, delay-free and got back to the hotel in Wilmslow in time for a pint. But those heading for day 2, featuring Paul Weller, were not so lucky: the car park did indeed become waterlogged (and probably the rest of the site too) and the thing was cancelled.

Elbow were excellent of course but what I really wanted to talk about was the supporting line-up. This featured two of my fave raves who I hadn't seen live before, namely Cherry Ghost and Field Music. If you're not familiar with these acts - do check them out - then you're not alone. Obviously neither of them is a household name and it became pretty clear that a large proportion of the crowd weren't familiar with them which means you have a rather weird vibe, with many thousands of people staring up at these acts but not knowing what to make of them. That's OK unless said crowd members have had a few drinks, are young and with a group of mates, in which case they are likely to talk/shout/vomit very noisily right through their sets. Call me naive but why do people do this?

Just like us, these anti-social types have paid a lot of money to be there, so why waste it by talking all the time? Or why not slope off to the bar and get even more drunk? I am being mainly rhetorical but there are several genuine questions begged here: why are bands so quiet these days? Why do people go to festivals? Why do festivals book so many acts?

Field Music wonder whether they can afford the petrol to get back to Sunderland

This last question doesn't apply to the Jodrell Bank do as there was only one stage with about 5 acts altogether but let's move swiftly down closer to home in Kent for the Hop Farm bash, where we attended for the first and third days (thereby missing Dylan which was probably no bad thing.) Now, like so many other festivals, the line-up is as long as your arm, with dozens of acts spread over about 5 stages. Unless, like big G, you are omnipresent, this means that you are going to miss at least 80% of the acts. It also means you have to be on your toes to work out where you need to be at any given time but then, having constructed a cunning algorithm to plan your day, you fall asleep, or get drunk, or stuck in the mud, or simply can't be arsed and you miss even more.

So why do they book so many bands in the first place? Our old friends Field Music were playing again but stuck in some tent with dodgy acoustics and down wind of the main stage (on the Sunday, Gruff Rhys found himself competing with Kool and the Gang.) The whole site didn't seem that busy and Field Music's audience can't have amounted to many more than they might have got in the local Palais de Danse in their home town of Sunderland, which is a hell of a long way from Kent. So Field Music (and the same must go for plenty of the other acts) have trekked the length of the country to gain very limited exposure and the organisers have forked out to book a load of acts that most people aren't going to see. It sounds like a lose:lose. I must be missing something here but I'm not sure what.

Gruff Rhys battles on bravely against Mr Kool and his gang

Given that you're not going to see most of the bands on the bill (plus I expect your algorithm crashed when the two bands you most wanted to see were scheduled on different stages at the same time); given the British weather; given the price of the beer; given the state of the toilets; given those noisy bastards next to you talking all the way through Lianne la Havas' quiets bits...why do you want to go to one of these bashes when you probably could have had a week in some hot foreign country for the same price? It's a mystery. (Before you point at me, let me tell you we did not pay anything like the full price for the Hop Farm! And Jodrell Bank was just one day and not our sole reason for venturing north of the Watford Gap, so...)

And finally...why are all the bands so quiet these days? When I was a lad, everyone was so loud it was quite impossible to talk over them. Those were the days! Crank it up to 11 I say and force the talkers to leg it for some more rip-off beer and overpriced/undercooked burgers.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. Next up, in a few weeks, is Cropredy: only one stage so no rushing about in the mud, two pubs just a short walk down the canal and ticket prices that don't make you wince. Plus this year Cropredy features just about the best live band in the known universe: Bellowhead. Please kneel with me as we pray the current excellent weather holds... 

Some tickets still available...dig out the tent and we'll see you there!

People at the bar, let me hear you say "how much?!"

It's that groovy tax thang again

Morning folks. First off, mucho apologios for the lack of blogging recently. I've simply been too busy dealing with the financial engineering resulting from the worldwide sensation that is "Let's Kick the Euro into Touch". Inevitably, this has involved a degree of tax dodging, whoops I mean tax planning, with the occasional trip to that well-known holiday destination, the Cayman Islands. It's amazing the people you bump into over there but what nice a chap that Jimmy Carr is. And Tony Blair too.

So it's no surprise that my return post is about tax. As well as my own trans-national comings and goings, I am inspired by today's latest nonsensical blathering from someone in government to the effect that paying your plumber in cash is going to condemn you to the fires of hades. What a busy place hell must be.

If the government keeps telling us what's "morally wrong" about this tax business they are going to make themselves look very stupid and very red-faced. There is no end of government associates who might fall into this category and if Dave and his chums decide to shun them all, then they will be friendless very rapidly (too late to worry about that, I hear you cry!)

Now let's get this straight. Some years ago, a judge laid down the legal bottom line for tax. He said that "there is no obligation on any man to pay a penny more in tax than necessary." Do you pay more in tax than you need to? Possibly but only because you've cocked up or you're not that savvy when it comes to this confusing tax lark. Do you find yourself saying at the end of the tax year, well I've got a few bob spare, I think I'll send it to those nice people at Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs? You do not. So why do we have a go at people in the public eye, who simply follow the same dictum as you and I? Why is this "morally wrong"? Where do you draw the line between Jimmy Carr's cunning little scheme and Mr and Mrs Smith next door who transfer some shares between each other so as to maximise their capital gains tax allowances? Are they morally beyond the pale too? Of course not. The difference is that Jimmy Carr has got a lot more tax to save than Mr and Mrs Smith. Our resentment is directed not so much at the tax dodging but at the fact that some people have a lot more dosh than we do. It's that good old politics of envy again. Remember this obvious truth: you can't dodge tax if you're not liable to it in the first place.

Remember also the following facts:

• British tax law is ludicrously complicated.
• The government is in charge of tax law. They can change it and they regularly do. So tax loopholes are created and/or preserved by the government.
• We are far too heavily taxed.
• The reason for this is that the government spends too much.

So, as always, we are reminded that the root of all evil is not necessarily the love of money but the government's love of spending other people's money. If anything is "morally wrong", it's that.

Must dash now as the plumber's just off and he wants paying...I think he said he'd prefer cash...a further spell in the fiery depths awaits I fear...