By not camping, is the short answer. We are of a certain age you know and although we have done this camping lark (see Cropredy posts), we've never been too keen. So, having actually managed to get Glastonbury tickets, which is no mean achievement, we weighed various accommodation options before deciding to stay at a pub just a few miles up the road.
A small part of the site: your tent not marked with a cross
The pub owners not being stupid, this cost a fortune as the room rate was roughly double what it would be at any other time of year but it was worth it, especially as there was an hourly bus service to the festival site from right outside the pub. Luxury!
Now the thing about Glastonbury, as anyone who's been there will tell you, is the size of the thing: it is HUGE. We've done a number of festivals (again, see Marshside posts passim) but Glasto is simply on another scale. When I was doing my pre-festival planning, I studied the site map which, helpfully but somewhat depressingly, had a scale on it. I couldn't bring myself to actually get the ruler out and check but it looked like the site was about 3 miles across. This estimation was corroborated by Lauren Laverne on the telly saying that the perimeter fence was about 9 miles long...if you remember your old maths, you will know that a site diameter of about 3 miles would be consistent with this. More corroboration came from our legs on the Thursday when we drove in. Having had to park in a car park so far from the main stage that we were probably in another county, we were knackered by the end of the day.
There's a lot of weird stuff going on at Glastonbury
In fact this is one of the key themes of Glasto; it's kind of half music event and half army style route march. That's not to mention the third half (yes, OK) which is the non-music side of the do. Never mind the distant car parks, the number of stages spread far and wide and that sheer massive size, means you do a lot of walking. And when I say a lot, I mean THIS MUCH. Clearly, the reason that so many of the youngsters seek to get off their heads on booze and dope is not to achieve mind altering euphoria but to dull the pain in their legs. As for the older ones, well there were a good many camping chairs around the place.
As well as the size of the place and the need to trudge from stage to stage there is of course one other factor that I have avoided until now: the mud. My God was it muddy. It had been raining on and off since we arrived but then early Friday evening - bang! The heavens opened, accompanied by much crashing and flashing and for about 40 minutes it absolutely poured. That's OK until abut 300,000 feet start pounding through the fields and then the place rapidly comes to resemble the Somme. Have you tried walking long distances in heavy mud? Terminally exhausting is an understatement.
That's real Glastonbury mud you know.
The good news was, we were in the acoustic tent at the time of the thunderstorm so didn't get a soaking (at least not at that particular juncture) but the bad news was that the Fishermen's Friends were only about 3 songs into their set when all the power was turned off, everywhere. This was some sort of health and safety overkill to do with the lightning.They wouldn't have done that a few years ago, said Mr Glastonbury, Michael Eavis.
OK you ask, so apart from the mud, the rain, the long distances and the cost what other dismal experiences did you have and can you confirm you're never going back? Well folks, of course the answer is that we will be back and all in all, we had a great time. Yes it would have been much better without the rain but even so, Glastonbury is such an extraordinary event that it rises above this minor nuisance.
Somewhere in the far distance, that might be Dolly Parton
There are literally hundreds of bands so if you don't like the headliners (and we didn't) there's always going to be other acts you want to see. Of course unfortunately, unless you're blessed with omnipresence, there are going to be dozens of people you're going to miss. As someone else said, the festival would have to last about a year for you to actually sample all it has to offer.
Then you've got the all the kids stuff, the circus tent, the cabaret tent, the healing fields, the giant spider show in Arcadia, poetry, comedy tent, the stone circle, arts and crafts, about a zillion shops and food places and, if your legs haven't completely given out come sundown, a vast mass of late night entertainments that go on until dawn. Get those prescription drugs down you so you can boogie all night and then see the sun rise over the fields.
The giant spider. Altogether now: wow!
Actually, this last suggestion may be something of a necessity because you probably can't find your tent anyway. I don't know how anyone does, which is another reason for not camping. There are just acres and acres of tents all crammed together randomly (not in neat rows like at Cropredy!) and they all look much the same, especially at night. This is not to mention that if you came by car, your car will probably be miles from your tent so if you need to go back and forth a few times, well that'll take care of your first day.
The sun shines down on the Park stage. Smell that drying mud. Lovely.
My son assures me that people do find their own tent (and he's camped there twice) but this is a skill that I am in awe of. One tent had the legend "your girlfriend slept here last night" printed on it. I don't think this was supposed to be witty but just a statement of fact; she probably just gave up looking for her own tent and passed out in the first one that looked empty.
Speaking of wise words, I must mention my favourite flag which was a simple black on orange one saying "Play the fucking Bends!" It's something of a Radiohead fan in joke but it still makes me chuckle, especially as Radiohead weren't even playing, But of course, as the man with the flag probably would have said, when it comes to Radiohead and Glastonbury, you just never know and it's best to be prepared.
The inaugural winner of the Marshside Blog "best flag at Glastonbury" award
So, the highlights? Well Robert Plant was superb, with several Led Zep covers, interestingly done, along with his recent solo stuff. Elbow were as sublime as ever. Jake Bugg, who we saw doing his solo set in the acoustic tent, is a precocious talent but hot on his heels comes young George Ezra. He drew a simply vast crowd to the John Peel tent which nearly caused major crushing when we all left at the same time and, given the location of the John Peel tent, in much the same direction. We also saw and enjoyed Goldfrapp, Warpaint, Midlake, the Manic Street Preachers, the Pixies, Lau, Massive Attack, St Vincent, James Blake, the Kaiser Chiefs and and and....Dolly Parton, a very slick entertainer with a hot band, she attracted about 90% of the total festival crowd I reckon. We stood about a mile back.
Robert Plant: Stairway to Heaven temporarily closed due to thunderstorm
But the surprise stars for us were a band called the Stepkids. I'd never heard of them but they were great...only a 3 piece but crikey they could play and sing, with a funky jazz/rock style, heavy with hints of Steely Dan and Earth Wind and Fire, among others. Oh, and they had a great line in cheesy dance moves. Do not miss them if you have the chance.
The Stepkids. Nice shirts boys!
The food and drink is good and not at all badly priced; 6 Music Festival take note...if Glastonbury can serve me real ale straight from the barrel at £4 a pint then so can you!
Apart from all the above, what makes Glastonbury special is its duration. Although in theory the festival is just 3 days, Friday to Sunday, the gates open on Wednesday. This means that you can be there for the best part of 6 days so for almost a week you can be on another planet, blissfully untroubled by the usual grisly world events. Everything is different so if it's true that a change is as good as a rest, you will come home very well rested, despite having walked 50 miles.
If they could just do something about the rain, it would be almost perfect.
Er...you don't suppose that might be rain coming? At Glastonbury...?
